When a Woman Can't Have It All
Image by Shutterstock.com
Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links, meaning Beautiful Christian Life LLC may get a commission if you decide to make a purchase through its links, at no cost to you.
One of my best friends had her second child this year, a beautiful baby girl, and just recently returned to full-time employment. She is working through the pain and guilt so many women experience of having to leave their little one before they feel ready.
Ours is a friendship we have shared since high school. We have been able to navigate many different seasons of life together. To have a friend that has known you through so many transformations is an irreplaceable gift. She has been by my side through all of the major milestones: college, the season of dating toads before I found my prince, marriage, and motherhood. We have been a sounding board for one another through transition, heartache, and so many joyful moments. Currently, we both share the beloved title of wife and mother. But she also has a career, and I am at home with my children.
My friend has heard me lament at times about the monotony of being at home: how every day can seem the same and how I often long for challenges and achievements apart from a clean home and a potty-trained toddler. Conversely, I have been her shoulder to cry on as she has returned to work—leaving her babies in the care of someone else, fighting feelings of inadequacy at both home and work, feeling like it is literally impossible to be one hundred percent invested in both places at once.
My friend and I were both buying into the same lie, but we were doing it from different places.
And so it seems our struggles at this time are completely opposite. Yet, what I have realized is that our struggle is exactly the same: buying into the lie that we can “have it all.” This is a loaded phrase that can mean a lot of things. To me it means that we don’t have to deny ourselves anything in life. If we strike the right balance, there is complete contentment and fulfillment awaiting us. Want a career? Then have it! Want to be a wife and mother? Then you can be that, too! You don’t have to say no to anything—you can do it all and do it all well. And if it is difficult or overwhelming, then you are doing it wrong.
Just writing those sentences above exhausted me. On the surface, the idea of being able to “have it all” sounds empowering. But when it’s actually applied to everyday life—it’s a trap that will steal your joy and leave you feeling utterly hopeless and defeated. We have been sent on a quest to find something that is simply not available to us on this side of heaven: perfect fulfillment and happiness. In God’s goodness, he allows us to experience much joy despite the broken world in which we live. Yet, we will never be completely fulfilled: we will always long for more and that is by design. Although we may try to fill the hole we have inside of ourselves with countless things, perfect fulfillment can only be found in one place—our Savior:
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? (Ps. 42:1-2)
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. (Prov. 16:9)
You can’t have it all in this world, so be honest with yourself and others close to you regarding your limitations.
We are finite beings with a limited amount of time at our disposal. One of the beautiful things about this life is that there are options—we have the ability to choose what we endeavor to pursue. But apply simple math and you’ll soon realize when you pursue one option, you are also abandoning all other options on the table—or at least leaving far less time and energy for them. Are we able to juggle? Are we able to wear different hats and fulfill different roles simultaneously? Of course we are, but it’s a lie that we can “have it all” and that pursuing one avenue should have no effect on the others. And this false belief leaves us feeling inadequate.
So, what is the answer? What’s the magic formula? Well my friends, I wish I had it. As you know, there is no “one size fits all.” Each individual and family unit comes with their own needs, capabilities, and options. Not only are these different for each of us, but they are also constantly changing as we go through different seasons of life. Yet, I think a step in the right direction is to acknowledge you are finite. You have limitations. While culturally we are taught to strive for autonomy and self-sufficiency, this is a quest we will fail to achieve.
We need to recognize the difference between life circumstances and lifestyle choices.
As Shona Murray points out in her book Refresh: Embracing a Grace-Paced Life in a World of Endless Demands, we need to make the critical distinction between life circumstances and lifestyle choices in order to make wise decisions regarding how we spend our time and energies:
It’s quite common for women to tell me that they have no idea why they are so anxious, so sad, and so chronically tired. But when we start replaying the previous couple of years of their lives, they are often stunned to realize how many life changes and life challenges they have experienced. (p. 44)
In assessing the various factors that caused her to go into a deep depression, Murray came to see that her own choices contributed to the tremendous stress she was experiencing:
So on top of life conditions I had no control over, I had chosen to add perfectionism, people pleasing, false guilt, and self-sufficiency. (p. 46)
Thankfully, our experiences with failure or feeling inadequate expose our condition: utter dependency on God.
When we are faced with our weakness and frailty is when we will seek the strength of our Savior we so desperately need.
We are a needy people in desperate need of a Savior. We need Jesus to save us from ourselves—our discontentment, self-absorption, and insecurity. We need the assurance of his grace, unfailing love, and tender-loving kindness to get through each day. We need something outside of ourselves to persevere, and the beauty is that when we are faced with our weakness and frailty is when we will seek the strength of our Savior we so desperately need.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12:9-10)
When our weakness is exposed and we are crying out to our heavenly Father, we have a clearer picture of who we are. Beloved daughters of the King, because our lives are hidden in his perfect work on our behalf, we have all we truly need in Christ—eternal life in him and assurance of his perfect love for us. May we embrace our limitations and live contentedly within them, for this truly honors our God.
Related Articles:
Recommended:
Refresh: Embracing a Grace-Paced Life in a World of Endless Demands by Shona and David Murray
Reset: Living a Grace-Paced Life in a Burnout Culture by David Murray
