Motherhood: Choosing Growth Over Achievement
Image by Nancy Leung
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Achievement. It’s one of those words that stirs something up inside of me. I was that kid at school in the front row with my hand raised, always hoping for the right answer or the gold star. That continued into adulthood as I waitressed my way through college and then sought a career in sales—both positions allowing me to have a very tangible way in which I could gauge my success for that day.
My world was rocked by becoming a parent in more ways than I ever could have imagined.
Fast forward several years and my husband and I were awaiting the birth of our first daughter. We had decided together that as long as we could afford it, I’d quit my full-time job and stay at home to raise our little bundle of joy. Like many first-time mothers-to-be, I thought I was ready. That little bundle came into the world, and my world was rocked, in more ways than I ever could have imagined.
She became my everything. I lived and breathed her every thought, move, and whimper. I experienced a deep-seeded joy and fulfillment that I had known nothing of before motherhood. And I most definitely experienced a to-the-bone-exhaustion I had not known before. I have written several articles on motherhood and could write several more—it’s such a fascinating journey. But the reason I’m referencing it now is because one of the things that blindsided me about becoming a mom was that I felt for a long time it robbed me of my ability to seek achievement. I had heard a lot about what I would gain from motherhood, the rewards and the additional duties, but I hadn’t considered what I would need to give away.
It felt as if I had lost some pretty big pieces of myself while gaining the beloved title of mom.
I experienced so many changes in such a short amount of time that it took me a while to put my finger on it—then I realized what was bothering me. It felt as if I had lost some pretty big pieces of myself while gaining the beloved title of mom. While we all wear many hats and fulfill many roles in different seasons of our lives, caring for small children tends to trump them all since their needs are so constant and immediate.
“I had heard a lot about what I would gain from motherhood, the rewards and the additional duties, but I hadn’t considered what I would need to give away.”
My identity seemed to shrink down to a walking breastmilk supply, the kisser of boo-boos, the reader of stories, and the maker of snacks. Now at times these can be glorious titles, but at other times a mother can take a glimpse of herself in the mirror and barely recognize the person she once was. I remember almost mourning the person who had disappeared, and then of course feeling immediate guilt, as if that somehow cheapened my love for my children.
Motherhood provides a platform for God’s sanctifying work.
Motherhood is actually by far the largest area of my life in which God has done his sanctifying work. He has shown me, in a very real way, how to die to myself. How to put the needs of others over my own. How to be wronged time and time again and still offer forgiveness. These things don’t come naturally, and motherhood provides that platform. Now that I’ve been a mom for almost a decade, with three little girls to call my own, I feel like I can see in hindsight why I struggled with the feeling of loss during those early years.
I watched my husband, former coworkers, and friends continue to climb the corporate ladder or gain graduate degrees. They progressed in their careers and continued to conquer and acquire new achievements. And there I was at home feeling like it was a perpetual Groundhog's day. I had considered going back to work several times since having children, even tried it for short durations a time or two, but it felt like they were too young for me to find that balance and that the cons outweighed the pros. So where did that leave me? To wait until my youngest was in school to begin “achieving” again? Well, that thought was a bit depressing.
There’s that one remaining bucket for me—the achievement bucket.
And let me qualify my feelings. I have a deep love and understanding of what a high calling motherhood is. I feel so fortunate to have the children I do and be able to stay at home to love, nurture and raise them in the fear and admonition of the Lord. If life consisted of ten buckets, I feel like being a wife, mother, and homemaker fills nine buckets to overflowing. But then there’s that one remaining bucket. For me, it’s the achievement bucket.
While I know I am accomplishing many things while in the home, there's a certain type of achievement that isn’t touched by those experiences. And maybe it’s not an achievement bucket for you. Maybe it’s a creative outlet or other kind of passion. I think it is important to foster interests that aren’t necessarily connected to our roles as mother.
“I learned that I could be growth-focused instead of “achievement”-oriented.”
God created us as complex beings with beautiful minds, artistic talents, the desire to create, to explore and conquer. Of all of his good creation, humans are the only creatures that were created in his image. Then God said,
“Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” (Gen. 1:26-27)
Every good and true quality we have is a mere reflection of an attribute we have received from our Maker. We honor him and even reflect part of his glory when we cultivate these beautiful attributes.
I learned that I could be growth-focused instead of “achievement”-oriented.
I knew there was more available to me than I was taking advantage of, even as a stay-at-home mom. And then one day my husband came riding in on his white horse and introduced the idea of growth over achievement. It was a game-changer. He knows me so well and understood my deep desire to stay at home and have the kids and homelife be my primary focus, but that I also wanted more. I had been stuck on the fact that in my current circumstances I wasn’t able to be “achievement”-oriented, but I could absolutely be growth-focused.
Maybe I wouldn’t be gaining a formal degree or earning a promotion, but I could still grow as a person. I could discover and cultivate interests that would open up new worlds for me, all the while still remaining completely available to my family. At this point it’s actually a running joke with friends that have known me for any length of time. If some time passes and we are catching up after a couple of months, they inevitably ask, “So, what are you up to now!?”
While being a stay-at-home-mom, I’ve worked part-time as a marketing representative, started a cake business from my home, been the informal event planner for women’s events at my church, started an interview-coaching consultation business from home, thrown myself into the CrossFit and fitness community, sold jewelry and beauty products for multilevel-marketing companies, cultivated a love for cooking and entertaining, been informally named the wedding planner for our congregation’s weddings, and also began freelance writing.
“The opportunity to learn new things, meet new people, and gain new skills is such a gift. And we honor God when we use our talents for his glory (1 Cor. 10:3).”
These were all things that I pursued in one way or another in the past decade and was passionate about for varying amounts of time. Were they all “successful”? By practical standards, the answer is no. Were they part of my journey, and did I enjoy and learn something from each experience? Yes!
I have learned to embrace the journey and not just the destination.
I have watched how incredibly quickly time passes. I want to be able to experience and grow as a person as much as possible. God has created this beautiful universe that we live in, with so much to discover, that I want to have hands and eyes wide open to what he may have available to me. I’ve had so many conversations with women who have expressed an interest in trying something new or pursuing a “side hustle” of some kind, but then shoot down the idea because of the possibility that “it won’t work out.”
I’m not even sure what that means. If we don’t create a Fortune 500 company and make millions? If that new passion doesn’t stay at the forefront of our lives forever? I understand our time is precious and we can’t pour ourselves into any and everything that comes our way. Yet, very few things we do or try in life are going to be permanent, or even long-lasting. Especially as parents, the seasons of life and the demands of our families are changing constantly.
We must consider the value, worth, and goodness of our pursuits by biblical standards.
So how do we determine what to pursue? Well that’s the fun part: it’s entirely up to you, your abilities, desires, and what draws you in. Like anything else in life, we must consider its value, worth, and goodness by biblical standards:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.(Phil. 4:8)
If it’s a sound pursuit that your spouse is on-board with, why not give it a try? What’s the worst that can happen? The opportunity to learn new things, meet new people, and gain new skills is such a gift. And we honor God when we use our talents for his glory (1 Cor. 10:3). May we indeed bring our heavenly Father glory and ultimately further his kingdom in the endeavors we pursue. And as we learn and grow, may we continuously be in awe of his grandeur and beauty and the world he has created around us.
This article was originally published on October 15, 2019.
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