Loving Our Neighbor with Our Words

May 27, 2025/Le Ann Trees/
Photo Credit: aldomurillo / iStock.com

Photo Credit: aldomurillo / iStock.com

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“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” — Matthew 22:36-39

We show love to our neighbor in both big and small ways in everyday life. When we are faced with a calamity, though, it’s a time when love for our neighbor is of the utmost urgency. As difficult as tragedies are, they cause us to take our minds and hearts off ourselves and onto others. We see our neighbors’ suffering, and compassion wells up within us. We experience giving, receiving, or both in such times.

Showing love to our neighbor with our words requires wisdom and discernment.

We show love to our neighbor in our words, deeds, and thoughts. For now I want to focus on how to love our neighbor well with our words.

Many of us have been through a difficult time of some kind, only to have someone try to comfort us with seemingly optimistic statements that end up causing us pain. This “toxic positivity” focuses on “seeing the bright side” in an attempt to minimize what has taken place, but it can end up marginalizing the very real suffering we are experiencing.

Back in 2006 my sixteen-year-old son died in a skiing accident. Amid such an unexpected tragedy, people were at a loss for words and attempted to say comforting statements to me such as: “God must have needed another angel” and “Our children don’t really belong to us; God just loans them to us for a while.”

In no way were the above comments of any comfort to me other than I knew people were trying to help me. I thought, “Doesn’t God have enough angels already?” Besides, when people die in the Lord, they don’t become angels. They are God’s children with eternal souls who will one day inherit imperishable bodies. Regarding our children being borrowed, that isn’t true either, as children are gifts to us from the Lord (Ps. 127:3).

Some common “toxic positivity” comments most of us have likely heard amid some struggle we are going through include “Well, at least you’re still alive,” “It could be worse,” and “It’s good to count your blessings and think about all you have.” Now if people who are suffering want to make these comments about their own situation, that is their right to do so; however, if we have not walked in their shoes, so to speak, it may be the wiser course of action to refrain from attempting to help in this way.

On the other side of “toxic positivity” are “empathy misses.”

While it’s usually the case that both “toxic positivity” comments and “empathy misses” are well-meaning attempts to help, that doesn’t diminish their negative effects. When it comes to showing empathy, we may try to connect in a way that ends up marginalizing or even magnifying the pain a suffering person is experiencing. I heard the following a lot after my son died, and it still always makes me wince when someone tells me, “You’re a member of the club no one wants to belong to,” as though I need someone to tell me that.

My personal least favorite comment was “I hugged my sixteen-year-old son extra tightly today.” That was especially painful for me to hear because hugging my own son was the one thing I wanted to do but could never do again on this earth. Most likely, these people were trying to tell me that my grief and loss caused them to appreciate their children more, but that’s too much information for a grieving parent to hear. A good friend of mine who is also a bereaved parent had someone tell her, “I know how you feel; my bunny rabbit just died.” That actually happened. It’s kind of hard not to laugh about it in a way as it was such an absurd thing to say.

When trying to comfort suffering people with our words, we must be very careful not to invalidate either the emotions or the physical and material loss they have experienced in any way. In particular, when it comes to extreme losses that most people don’t experience in modern society, such as the death of a younger child or sibling or the loss of property through a natural disaster, it’s usually better to avoid empathetic responses that compare something you have been through with what the suffering person is experiencing unless you have actually gone through a truly similar loss.

Focusing on being a good listener and showing constancy of friendship goes a long way when someone you love is suffering.

One of the ways my neighbors loved me was not to say much but rather to listen more. I remember taking walks in my neighborhood with a close friend who came over regularly to be with me in the months after my son died. She did a lot of listening on those walks and gently reassured me of God’s love for me and my family. She, along with other dear friends of mine, gave me the space to say out loud the thoughts that were plaguing my mind and heart.

My friends and family didn’t try to fix anything (they knew that was impossible), but they did show constancy of friendship. I knew they were there with me for as long as it would take. Instead of trying to empathize or make positive statements, they focused on helping me to function again, preparing meals for my family, taking me to the grocery store when I was able to start shopping again, and just being with me.

I remember one woman whose daughter played on the same sports team as my daughter. She was not a believer that I know of, but I would feel safe just sitting next to her at games. She didn’t try to say things to make me feel better, but instead she just treated me normally while clearly knowing how fragile my mental state was at the time. I haven’t seen her in a long time, and she probably doesn’t know how much she helped me just by being herself. And that is likely the same with each of us. We have all probably loved our neighbors in ways of which we were unaware at the time, ways that meant far more to them than we ever realized.

Our words can help a lot, so use them wisely in love.

Some encouraging things you can say to suffering people include (but, of course, are not limited to) the following:

“I love you and am here for you, whatever you need, any hour of the day.”

“How can I be of help to you right now?”

“When I come to visit you next, is there something I can bring over, like a meal, or is there a shopping errand I can do along the way?”

“It may feel like God is far away right now, but the Bible says he is near, he is in control of all that happens, and he has a plan that is good.”

“You don’t have to figure out everything in your mind right now. Try to focus on Jesus’ words about taking one day at a time.”

“You won’t be alone. I am here with you not just for a few weeks or months but for the long haul, and we’re going to get through this together.”

If you have been through a similar loss, you may want to say the following:

“I didn’t think I would make it through, but the day did come when I wanted to live again. The day did come where I began to have joy again. And those days will come again for you.”

Even though I have learned to move forward without my son and God did fill my heart with peace, the heartache doesn’t go away from having to live without him. Thankfully, the faithful love of my neighbors has brought me through by God’s grace, and I hope to love my neighbor likewise until it is my time to be with the Lord.

This article is adapted from “Loving Our Neighbor with Our Words” from Beautiful Christian Life’s January 2025 monthly newsletter, “Loving Our Neighbor.”