Godly Authority: How to Have a Mostly “Functionally Egalitarian” Marriage (Part 2)
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What can we learn about the meaning and exercising of godly authority in marriage from the mission of an airline pilot? Actually, a lot.
In this article, which is part two of a series, I want to continue interacting with the assertion that healthy Christian marriages in which the husband and wife hold to the complementarian view actually function in a non-hierarchical way. In other words, such marriages are “functionally egalitarian” (please see part one of this series for more background on this discussion).
Considerable debate exists regarding what is involved in exercising authority as a husband and a father.
While Christian marriage is not egalitarian in nature, it can appear to be so at times due to the outstanding teamwork of both spouses. Some people, however, view any kind of authority structure in the marital union as involving the exercising of power, which is considered domineering and oppressive.
Sadly, some complementarians have promoted troublesome, silly, and even heretical teachings regarding what godly husbandly authority is and how it is exercised in-real-life, such as attempting to use the errant doctrine of the eternal subordination of the Son (ESS) to affirm male headship, asserting that women shouldn’t speak their minds based upon 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 and 1 Timothy 2:11-12, going so far as to say that husbands must make their wives submit to them, and that husbands need to review the content their wives view because women are “easily deceived” (per 1 Tim. 2:14).[1]
Rather than lording himself over his wife, a godly husband will want his wife to flourish; he will want her to excel in godly character; and he will want her to enjoy him. He will strive to love his wife, honor her, cherish her, and be willing to give his life for her (see Eph. 5:25-29). Anne Kennedy makes this very point in a recent article for the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood’s journal Eikon:
Male headship is not, in complementarian circles, “construed as control and dominance,” whatever egalitarians may say about it. Rather, it is the biblical model that follows in the way of Jesus, who laid down his life for his friends. These friends he made by his shed blood into his Bride, the Church. Jesus doesn’t control and dominate the church, but he most certainly has authority over how believers order their common life. The authority and headship of Jesus, as revealed in the perspicacity of his own Word, is the measure of the church today, no matter what happened in the past. (Kennedy, “Reinterpreting Church History: A Response to Mimi Haddad, ‘History Matters,’” June 22, 2023)
If the knee-jerk egalitarian response to authority is to view it as “control and dominance,” then, of course, authority is not going to be viewed as something good but rather something to be squashed and repudiated. Thus, any discussion of biblical male headship in marriage raises the question regarding what is involved in exercising authority as a husband and father.
We can glean a lot about the proper exercising of authority in general by looking at an airline captain’s mission.
Because God has created the world and in his design there is loving authority on his part and submission on the part of his creation, we shouldn’t be surprised to find authority structures in the common realm of secular society. In a well-ordered society, these structures are put in place for the good and flourishing of those under that particular authority. One such example is found in the operation of commercial airliners. My husband was a commercial airline pilot for about 35 years, and over the years of observing his commitment to his work I have noticed numerous similarities between the vocation of an airline captain and the vocations of a husband and a father. Indeed, by looking at an airline captain’s mission we can glean a lot about the proper exercising of authority in general.
The mission of an airline captain encompasses everyone for whom he or she is responsible. The airline captain is responsible to ensure everyone on board arrives safely at the intended destination, and also for maintaining the safety of others traveling nearby in the skies as well as the people on the ground. This requires orderliness and teamwork.
An airline captain’s authority is limited by operational protocols. In an emergency, however, he can exercise his authority based upon his assessment of the situation and must answer for any actions taken when the flight is completed.
We saw an example of this on January 15, 2009, when US Airways Flight 1549 struck a flock of birds and the plane lost power in both engines. Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger and First Officer Jeffrey Skiles began a heroic unpowered ditch into the Hudson River around ninety seconds after impact. The National Transportation Safety Board investigated the incident, and Sully was vindicated in his decision to ditch in the Hudson rather than return to LaGuardia Airport. Not one passenger was killed in the landing of US Airways Flight 1549 and both pilots and all the flight attendants received numerous awards for their heroism.
Every airline employee has specific duties on a flight and a chain of command helps leadership maintain order and navigate problems that arise for the safety and comfort of everyone involved. And why all this need for order and structure on a commercial airline flight? The answer is obvious: when things go wrong on a flight, the situation can become a matter of life or death in seconds.
There is no such thing as egalitarianism when it comes to operating an airplane.
Without a chain of command, or table of organization, chaos could erupt on an airplane, with everyone doing what they think is optimal to the detriment of others on board and anyone else affected by the flight. There is no such thing as egalitarianism when it comes to operating an airplane. The passengers don’t tell the pilots or flight attendants what to do; rather, it’s the other way around. And passengers submit to the authority of the flight crew because they are wise enough to recognize that authority is put in place for their own safety and well-being. Everyone needs to know their duties so that the best outcome can be achieved if at all possible.
Just as every passenger who boards a plane submits to the limited and legitimate authority of the captain in charge of the flight, so we also submit to the limited and legitimate authority of people we interact with in various aspects of life, including in family and marriage. Just as airline pilots can only exercise their authority within the boundaries set for them, this should also be the case when it comes to any human exercising of authority.
We see this play out in the movie A Few Good Men, in which a young United States Marine Corps private dies from being tied up and beaten as the result of a “code red” order given by the base commander to punish him for breaking the chain of command to request a transfer off the base. The two United States Marine Corps enlisted men who carried out the “code red” order, which was given to them by their platoon commander, trusted their superiors to rightly exercise their authority, but their superiors let them down. The superiors’ wrongful orders caused the death of one Marine, the two enlisted Marines to be dishonorably discharged, and the base commander and platoon commander to be arrested for their abuse of authority. At the end of the story, one of the dishonorably discharged Marines struggles to understand the sentencing because he followed orders. The other discharged Marine tells him what they did wrong: “We were supposed to fight for people who couldn’t fight for themselves.”
In a rightly ordered military organization, trust is essential since the people under authority cannot know everything their superiors know in any given situation. To abuse such trust for sinful purposes causes a breakdown of the chain of command. This is why accountability is essential in any organization or unit where authority and submission are present. People who are victims of the abuse of authority will struggle to trust those who are placed in authority over them.
Another example of the good and bad use of authority—and the subsequent accountability—occurred in the life of General George Patton. Patton was a famous battlefield commander who used his authority for great good in leading his troops to help defeat the Third Reich in World War II. Yet, he also misused his authority by striking two soldiers under his command for what he viewed as cowardly behavior during the Sicily Campaign. General Patton was held accountable, disciplined accordingly, and ordered by General Dwight D. Eisenhower to apologize to the two men who were combat stress patients at an evacuation hospital.
The right exercising of authority involves the help of those under that authority.
On a commercial airliner, the first officer (i.e., copilot) must know how to do everything the captain does, as he or she may be called on to perform the captain’s duties at any point in time. Likewise, it would be impossible for a cockpit crew to manage all the passengers on a larger airplane without the experience, wisdom, and leadership of competent flight attendants on board.
Getting a plane full of passengers safely to a destination is a team effort, with many people involved from administration to ground crews to flight operations to mechanics to airport security to the flight crew. Even the passengers on the plane play an important role in this mission, as they have the opportunity to help other passengers in small ways and may even need to alert the crew regarding a medical emergency taking place on the plane. There have been many instances where a trained medical person has assisted the airline crew by tending to a passenger in distress.
On one of my husband’s flights as the pilot in command, a passenger boarded the aircraft wearing a shirt with an obscene graphic design. One of the flight attendants came to the flight deck and explained the situation to my husband. He instructed her to tell the passenger that he needed to either change his shirt or disembark from the airplane. This was necessary for the safety and comfort of everyone else on board, especially the children. The passenger complied, and as he didn’t have access to another shirt, the solution was to wear his shirt inside out. The incident was handled in an orderly manner due to effective teamwork, which was the result of training, experience, skill, and wisdom. A crucial part of commercial pilot leadership is the development of open communication, which builds trust among all the flight crew members that any arising issues will be given appropriate consideration and attention.
But, what about husbands and fathers? How can they prepare to be godly leaders in their marriages and families? Here are four practical ways men can be well prepared to succeed in their mission as the head of their family:
1. Read and stay updated on your manual: God’s word. Pilots not only have to keep up their flying skills and be evaluated on a regular basis, but they also have to stay up to date on information regarding the plane they’re flying, airspace rules and regulations, and airport protocols. They must know all pertinent information necessary to successfully complete their mission. Over the years my husband spent countless hours updating and reading his manuals so he would be knowledgeable of everything he needed to know to fly the plane safely.
While God’s word never needs updating like a pilot’s manual, a lifetime is not enough for reading, studying, and growing in all God has revealed to us in the Bible. Men must be committed to attending a solid local church regularly and hearing God’s word faithfully preached. Additionally, there are also many wonderful resources God has given his people such as written confessions and catechisms which, while subordinate to Scripture, are helpful for understanding and applying God’s word.
2. Do a frequent “walk-around” to access your family’s spiritual, emotional, and physical health. I remember my husband talking about how part of the pre-flight procedure includes one of the pilots walking around and inspecting the airplane before a flight. Sometimes the weather was extremely cold and it was no fun at all for the pilots to do that walk-around—but it was essential to help ensure the airworthiness of the aircraft.
Likewise, a wise and mature husband and/or father needs to take the time, no matter how tired, grumpy, or discouraged he may be, to assess the state of his family on a regular basis. Ways he can do this are by frequently:
asking his wife how things are going, how she is doing, and how he can be of help and encouragement to her,
reviewing his children’s growth in biblical knowledge and wisdom, academics and life-skills, and emotional maturity to evaluate any needed changes that should be made for their benefit, and
spending time with his wife and children, both together and one-on-one, listening to them well and learning how to love them better and help them to thrive.
3. Have—and use—a checklist. All pilots have a checklist that they go through before take-off and landing to make sure they haven’t missed anything important for the safe operation of the flight. This checklist isn’t optional; it is mandatory.
Husbands and fathers may want to follow the example of pilots and write down a checklist of the most important things they need to attend each day as God’s stewards of precious life and go through it each morning. This way they won’t get as easily distracted by the cares of the world or the tyranny of the urgent and instead keep their focus on the mission of caring for the people God has entrusted to their care.
4. Take care of your own health and get sufficient rest. Along with the discipline of keeping up flight skills and knowledge, pilots also need to keep themselves healthy, both mentally and physically. All commercial airline pilots are required to have either semi-annual or annual flight physicals, depending on their position. They are required to do all they can to maintain good health and meet mandatory rest requirements before flying so that they are in a position to lead well and make sound decisions.
Life happens and sometimes a pilot confronts a significant life event that results in a lack of sleep or need for time off to recover from an illness, operation, or traumatic life event. In regular day-to-day life, however, pilots are expected to exercise self-discipline in how they comport themselves, including when they’re not flying.
Husbands and fathers also have the opportunity every day to make good decisions with how they spend their personal time. While everyone needs time to relax and refresh, leaders of the household should be a good example to their families of using their time wisely, avoiding engaging in excessive amounts of self-indulgent activities and instead responsibly caring for themselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Like the mission of airline pilots, the mission of husbands and fathers is fraught with obstacles.
Being an airline pilot is considered one of the most stressful vocations a person can have. Their mission is fraught with many life-or-death obstacles, including weather, birds, mechanical failure, pilot error, unruly passengers, and even evil forces, all which, if not avoided or overcome, can result in calamity.
Likewise, the mission of husbands and fathers is fraught with obstacles such as personal sin, the sins of others, the misery of this world, and attacks from the devil, and they need much wisdom to fulfill their responsibilities in the home. For example, husbands, if your wife has experienced spiritual, emotional, or physical abuse, you need to have heightened sensitivity as the head of your family. Developing trust for someone after experiencing abuse can be a very long process and involves all the gentleness, kindness, and caring you can give your wife.
Because the operation of commercial airplanes has become such a routine part of life in our world, it’s easy to overlook the immense responsibilities pilots, flight attendants, ground crews, mechanics, air traffic controllers, and airport security personnel have on a daily basis. Their dedication to doing their job well results in keeping countless millions of people safe—at times under sudden and extreme pressure—as they travel from one place to another.
It's also easy to overlook the the tremendous responsibilities husbands and fathers and other heads of households like single parents, widows, and caregivers have on a daily basis, but we shouldn’t. Leading a family requires relying on God’s grace and help. Being prepared through much prayer, study of God’s word, and consistent fellowship with the saints on the Lord’s Day and throughout the week are all essential for guiding those under our care safely to their hoped-for destination—eternal communion with God in Christ.
It takes self-discipline, character, and courage to be the head of a family.
People don’t have to choose the vocation of being an airline pilot. Similarly, men don’t have to take on the responsibilities of being a husband, and potentially a father if God gives his family children. It takes self-discipline, character, and courage to be the pilot-in-command of a commercial airliner, as it also takes those three things to be the head of a family. Before a man makes the decision to become a husband, he must carefully discern whether he is willing to sacrificially lead his family for the rest of his life as Christ loved the church:
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Eph. 5:25-31)
In the daily operation of thousands of flights around the globe, passengers witness the coordinated efforts of many people working together without fanfare to serve everyone under their care. Similarly, in Christian families we see godly men and women living out their “one-flesh” union where there used to be two uncommitted individuals. While the harmony and fruits of their teamwork are impeded by sin in this fallen world, in Christ we see a family working together, fulfilling their various responsibilities, pressing onward with the goal of loving God and their neighbor in all their endeavors.
Jesus is our ultimate example of what it means to exercise godly authority in love and humility.
Even in our best efforts to be godly leaders, we will fall short in some way. This doesn’t mean, however, that we shouldn’t strive to always exercise authority as Jesus would do. Jesus, King of kings and Lord of lords, is our ultimate example of what it means to use authority rightly. Jesus never put his needs or desires first; rather, he humbled himself in order to free us from our bondage to sin and death:
Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Phil. 2:5-7)
May we do all we can to encourage and strengthen men in their mission as husbands and fathers, always remembering that authority is never unlimited and must be held accountable in accordance with God’s word. All authority ultimately comes from God and each of us will be held to account by our Creator one day for how we have exercised our authority in our various vocations in life.
In part three of this series, I will cover the topic of godly submission in marriage.
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Notes:
[1] For a clear and succinct response regarding the errant teaching of ESS, please see: “Q&A: The Eternal Subordination of the Son,” The Orthodox Presbyterian Church; for a helpful explanation regarding 1 Cor. 14:34-35 and 1 Tim. 2:11-12, please see: “What Is the Bible Saying Regarding Women Being Silent in Church?” Beautiful Christian Life; and for a helpful explanation regarding biblical authority and submission in marriage, please see: “What Is Mutual Submission and How Does It Apply to Marriage?” Beautiful Christian Life.
