“Choose Wisely”: How to Have a Mostly “Functionally Egalitarian” Marriage (Part 1)
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Some people have concluded that complementarianism is one of the big problems in Christian marital disfunction and Christian opposite-sex relationships in general. In brief, complementarianism is the view that men and women are equal in worth in God’s sight but have different roles, whereas egalitarianism holds that that men and women are equal with no differentiation whatsoever in roles or authority.
From what I can ascertain, the reasoning of those who find complementarianism to be problematic goes as follows: Whatever the Bible teaches about men and women can’t possibly imply that men are called to fill certain roles that women aren’t called to do and that for women to be respected they must be treated the same as men in all ways. They hold that marriage was actually meant to be egalitarian according to God’s original design in creation, and women should have the right to preach and teach authoritatively. We just have to read and interpret the Bible more carefully to see these truths.
And this brings me to a recent article by Anne Carlson Kennedy regarding She Deserves Better author Sheila Wray Gregoire’s assertion that the majority of married Christian couples who “believe in a power hierarchy in marriage. . . . do not actually act it out” and are less likely to divorce.[1] This has also been described as having a “functionally egalitarian” marriage. In her article “Why My Imago Dei Loves the Patriarchy,” Kennedy writes:
And I always wrangle with Matt on every single subject because I like him. I’m interested in who he is. But I don’t tell him what to do—except when he doesn’t know what to do and comes to me for help. And likewise.
Someone in the Twitterverse responded to Kennedy’s article with the observation that in the above statement Kennedy is essentially proving Gregoire’s assertion to be true.
In one sense Gregoire is right: healthy Christian marriages in which the husband and wife both hold to the complementarian view can appear to function in a non-hierarchial way. Yet, Kennedy makes a critical point in her post that we don’t want to miss. A strong Christian marriage is much more likely to exist where both spouses are loving and wise regarding biblical teaching on marriage. Anne and Matt don’t need to spend much time telling each other what to do because they are both responsible Christians who know their duties and strive to faithfully fulfill them out of their mutual love for Christ.
A healthy marriage involves both spouses taking personal responsibility to fulfill their duties faithfully for the good of everyone in the family and the glory of God.
A big reason healthy complementarian marriages appear egalitarian is because both spouses work as a team and understand they are each equal in value while fulfilling similar and different roles in the relationship according to God’s design for the marital union.
Most of us remember the scene in the film Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Search for the Holy Grail where the supposedly actual cup Jesus drank from at the Last Supper is in a cave, mixed in with a variety of vessels, many made with intricate designs and expensive metals. The villain in the movie chooses the fanciest cup, not taking into account the fact that Jesus, while king of the universe, chose to live a humble life on earth. After the villain dies from drinking from the wrong cup, the knight guarding the place where the legendary grail is kept famously says, “He chose poorly.” Indiana Jones, remembering Christ’s life as a humble carpenter, chooses the correct vessel, drinks from it, and lives. The knight replies, “You chose wisely.” While the movie portrays an exceedingly graphic image of the consequences of good and bad choices in life, most people get the point that our decisions can make a huge difference for our future happiness.
Likewise, we need to exercise caution, discretion, and lots and lots of wisdom when choosing a spouse. We need to look past the flashy and instead look for the prized inner qualities that make someone a joyful and faithful lifetime companion in the covenant of marriage, an earthly union that points us to the mysterious union of Christ with his bride, the church (Eph. 5:32).
In a healthy marriage, both spouses are responsible, kind, and thoughtful of each other. My husband usually doesn’t tell me what to do, unless there’s something I need to do that I don’t know about without his telling me. Sure, like most people, I need some reminders from time to time, but after 41 years of marriage we have settled into doing what aligns with the personal strengths and abilities God has given us. We work as a team.
So, what are some things you should be on the lookout for in a spouse, the person you will be doing life together with until death parts you both?
Seek to marry a person who loves God and his or her neighbor.
I encourage you to look for the following attributes in a potential husband or wife:
A person who loves Jesus and has a strong and persistent desire to grow in godliness.
A person who attends a faithful church regularly and takes church membership seriously.
A person who is committed to building a godly family with you throughout all the ups and downs of life.
A person who consistently demonstrates outstanding character, including showing God-honoring respect and honor to you.
A person who is a responsible and hard worker and who also recognizes the importance of taking time to rest, refresh, and have God-honoring fun.
A person who is unselfish and consistently demonstrates sincere compassion for others.
For women, a man who is committed to loving you, protecting you, and providing for you to the best of his ability throughout your life together; for men, a woman who will lovingly respect your authority, only as is honoring to God, as the head of the household.
A person who is committed to caring for his or her personal health—mentally, physically, and spiritually—to the best of his or her ability throughout life.
A person to whom you are attracted and with whom you enjoy having a conversation on a variety of topics.
A person who enjoys your personality, finds your idiosyncrasies (yes, we all have them!) endearing, and has both a forgiving heart and a sense of humor.
A person who is temperate, wisely showing modesty and self-restraint in daily life.
A person who wants to help you to flourish and grow in spiritual maturity, developing your gifts to the glory of God in all things.
While the above list is not meant to be exhaustive, hopefully it provides some helpful thoughts on what to look for when choosing a Christian spouse.
Heed any warning signs you observe in a potential spouse.
Following are some big red flags in my opinion when it comes to someone being a wise choice to marry:
Be on the lookout for behavior that demonstrates a controlling nature beyond what we all normally fight against as sinful creatures. A potential husband should want his future wife to flourish in the areas in which God has gifted her and not unduly restrict her choices in her vocations, personal preferences and interests, and friendships. A woman should not be overly concerned about her potential husband spending all his free time doing things with her or doing things for her. She shouldn’t attempt to “mother’ him. Both men and women need some time and space to pursue personal interests that may or may not include their spouse.
A woman who is excessively concerned regarding how much money the potential husband has and/or his future income potential is a risky person to marry. She should, however, most definitely be concerned about both his potential for and commitment to being a good provider for his family. There’s a big difference between common sense toward finances and the coveting of wealth.
A man who micromanages his future wife, thinking he is supposed to review and evaluate everyday decisions his wife makes, such as what books she reads and how she spends her time, is a risky person to marry.
A person who is not trustworthy is a risky person to marry. Trust must be earned and being trustworthy must be evident in the person’s character and daily comportment.
If you are a trustworthy person, a potential spouse who still doesn’t trust you to be able to make both everyday decisions and big life decisions on your own is a risky person to marry.
Someone who displays a consistent tendency to be selfish, lazy, and/or disrespectful to you, or anyone for that matter, is a risky person to marry.
Someone who has shown himself or herself to be financially irresponsible is a risky person to marry. Having stated that, people can and do learn to handle money wisely as they mature. Just check out some of many helpful online financial channels to see examples of people growing in financial wisdom in real life.
Someone who has a cavalier attitude toward sin, including his or her own sins past and present and/or the sins of others, is a risky person to marry.
The problem is not biblical male headship; the problem is sin.
I included “mostly” is in the title of this piece because a Christian marriage is not actually egalitarian. Because there are both men who abuse their wives and wives who abuse their husbands, for many it seems to be the logical next step is to conclude the complementarian view of biblical male headship is bad and not what the Bible actually teaches.
The problem, however, is not biblical male headship; the problem is sin. Throughout history we see abuse of authority in government, the military, civil law enforcement, business, educational institutions, and all manner of societal structures. Wherever authority and submission exist in this world, the potential for abuse exists because we are all sinners. In marriage, husbands will struggle to lead lovingly, humbly, and sacrificially (Eph. 5:25-31; 1 Pet. 3:7), and wives will struggle to follow lovingly, respectfully, and gently (Eph. 5:22-24; 1 Pet. 3:1-6). We all need God’s grace as we seek to honor him in our marriages.
Because some people who hold complementarian views have promoted problematic teachings regarding authority and submission in marriage does not change the truth of Scripture. We need to go to the Bible and learn what God wants us to know about love and respect in marriage.
Christian men are accountable to the Lord, their church leadership, and the civil authorities for how they lead their family.
Where there exists a marriage of consistent mutual love and respect, there will also exist a desire to spend time—hopefully a lifetime—with each other joyfully in both sexual intimacy and daily conversation and activities.
A godly husband will want his wife to flourish; he will want her to excel in godly character; and he will want her to enjoy him. He will strive to love his wife, honor her, cherish her, and be willing to give his life for her. Headship isn’t an autocratic endeavor. Christian men are accountable to the Lord, their church leadership, and the civil authorities for how they lead their family.
The presence of authority in marriage is particularly delicate in nature; it is like caring for a priceless, irreplaceable work of art. To feel unsafe in a marriage is both crippling and terrifying. The union of marriage involves privacy, intimacy, and vulnerability. God-honoring trust in a healthy marriage cannot be minimized or marginalized, even by the smallest amount.
Christian marriage is egalitarian in terms of value, but not in terms of order or roles.
Though a Christian marriage may look “functionally egalitarian,” and is indeed egalitarian in terms of the value of each spouse in the sight of God, it is not egalitarian in terms of order or roles. In God’s good design the husband is the head of his wife, the wife is her husband’s helper, and in the marital union they are “one flesh” (Gen. 2:18-25). Even in the best of Christian marriages, times may come when the husband needs to make a decision with which the wife disagrees (such as a family relocation or a schooling choice for the children), and the wife will need to submit to her husband’s decision in the Lord. These situations will generally be quite rare in a relationship where sincere and mutual respect, honor, and love exist, and healthy communication has been encouraged and nurtured over the years. In the article mentioned above, Anne Kennedy makes this very point regarding her relationship with her husband:
We are always coming toward each other, trying to understand, trying to find communion, both limping from the wrestling with God and each other and ourselves. We are not the same. And yet we are both the same. We don’t have the same tasks, and yet we are oriented toward the single task of obedience to Christ.
It’s sad to see God’s precious order for marriage described as a “power hierarchy.” Overly focusing on the roles of each spouse can divert our gaze away from the incredible beauty of the marital union, which should ultimately direct our gaze to Christ’s union with the church, his bride. God’s design for marriage is, as theologian Claire Smith so poignantly describes, “a dance where the man leads and the woman follows, and yet together they move as one, in perfect harmony.”[2]
All the efforts your spouse and you put into making a Christ-honoring marriage are worth it, even if the fruit can’t be seen right now.
This post is not meant to be an exhaustive attempt to cover this topic and there is certainly much more to say on exercising wisdom in choosing a Christian spouse. Perhaps you haven’t chosen wisely and find yourself wedded to someone you now regret marrying. If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, remember that God knew all along that this was going to happen. He is faithful to use your disappointments and struggles to sanctify both you and your believing spouse through the ups and downs of married life.
In stating this, I have no intention of diminishing the pain, frustration, and despair of being in an unhappy marriage. I do hope to encourage you to focus on doing all you can by God’s grace to build a marriage that glorifies your Lord, for this is your duty and joy as a follower of Christ. Strong marriages don’t happen overnight; they take years of patient nurturing and much prayer and growth in godliness, with many setbacks and struggles along the way. Learning to live together in love and humility as husband and wife is no easy work, but all the efforts your spouse and you put into making a Christ-honoring marriage are worth it, even if you don’t see the fruits of your devotion now or in the foreseeable future. As we struggle through all the ups and downs of married life in a fallen world, we can take heart that our loving and good God is in control and he will never forsake us.
In part two of this series, I will cover the topic of godly authority in the family.
Related Articles:
Notes:
[1] Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky, She Deserves Better: Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self, and Speaking Up (Grand Rapids: Baker Publishing Group, 2023), 128; see also Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky, The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended (Grand Rapids: Baker Publishing Group, 2021), 31-34.
[2] Claire Smith, God's Good Design: What the Bible Really Says about Men and Women (Kingsford: Matthias Media, 2012), 174.
