Aligning Our Feelings with God’s Word
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“You hurt my feelings.” This is a common phrase that even very young children learn and use to much effect (garnering sympathy or getting something they want). There are a couple things, however, about this phrase that should be noted.
First, feelings cannot be hurt; only people can be hurt. Second, this statement implies a wrong has been done, but no actual sin has been presented. It is just a subjective statement of how a person feels. Rather than buy into these nebulous and unhelpful words, there is a better way of looking at feelings that not only reflects objective reality but also allows for personal responsibility.
We need to be connected to our emotions and feelings.
First, feelings are important. The Bible frequently expresses emotions and feelings. Take Psalm 35:9, “Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD, exulting in his salvation,” or Joel 2:23:
Be glad, O children of Zion, and rejoice in the LORD your God, for he has given the early rain for your vindication; he has poured down for you abundant rain, the early and the latter rain, as before.
Clearly, rejoicing, exulting, and being glad are emotions Scripture calls us to experience in relation to God, and some emotions, such as rejoicing, are also directed towards other people (see Prov. 5:18). In addition to the above emotions, we are also called to mourn and grieve over sin. None of these actions can properly take place if we are disconnected from our emotions and feelings.
Rather than looking to our feelings to guide whether something is good or bad, we ought to see our feelings as indicators of whether or not our hearts are aligned with God’s Word and plan for our lives, and to pinpoint potential problems in ourselves or others as we interact with people.
We can use our feelings as gauges of how we are responding to God’s providence.
Every day there are situations that affect us. An accident on our route to work makes us late. We forget the food in the oven and burn dinner. We prepare a great dinner only to have our spouse get stuck at work and come home too late to enjoy our hard labors. A wonderful vacation gets cancelled because of sickness. Our car is stolen after an otherwise pleasant day of sightseeing. A friend says something to us that is true but is hard to hear. Or someone says something that is false about us. The list is endless. And each situation stirs up within us emotions and feelings.
In these situations, we can use our feelings as gauges of how we are responding to God’s providence. This is probably easier to see in situations where sin is not involved. Take, for example, an accident on route to work. Is our response frustration, impatience, or anger for the inconvenience of the situation, or perhaps worry over how about our boss will respond at work? If so, these emotions and feelings might point to a lack of trust in God’s plan for us, as well as a lack of empathy or love for others who are possibly experiencing difficulty or tragedy at that very moment. How do we respond when we fear our manager or boss, losing our job, or being rebuked? The fear of man or the fear of losing face is a powerful emotion. How we handle fear or impatience due to various circumstances speaks volumes about how we view God and his control in our lives.
A careful evaluation of the objective reality of the situation helps us to respond rightly to our feelings.
In situations that involve being sinned against, it is probably easier to identify why we are sad or angry and the reason behind it. Perhaps someone has stolen from us or spoken untruths about us. In these situations, we are certainly hurt and experience emotions of sadness and anger. When evil does befall us, we are to mourn the situation, and there is a place for righteous anger towards those who perpetrate evil. In fact, if we did not mourn, feel sad, or even feel angry in some situations, it would point to a lack of understanding of God’s holiness and how sin is an offense against the King of heaven.
What about those situations where we feel badly but there is no sin? Maybe a co-worker expresses constructive criticism about an idea we thought was wonderful. Or a friend doesn’t share our enthusiasm about a particular author we love; in fact, they feel quite the opposite and give us thoughtful reasons why they hold that opinion. Or a mature Christian offers a warning about a direction we are going with our career, presenting some potential problems we may experience that we hadn’t considered. How do we feel? Are we upset, irritated, annoyed, incensed? Do we say, “You hurt my feelings”? Before we go down this route, let’s look at two things: Is there truth and is there love in what they are saying?
These two questions help us see the reality of a situation. First, do your friends, co-workers, and other Christians have any truth in what they are saying? If so, identify what it is. Also, if there is no truth, identify that as well. Second, how was this message communicated? Was it expressed in love (or in the work-place without malice)?
In our love for God and our neighbor, we need to humbly align our feelings with God’s Word.
If what was said was true and done in love, then our feelings need to be adjusted to that reality. Perhaps instead of being annoyed or irritated, we should be grateful that someone is caring about us enough to point out something true and important. Or maybe we need to recognize our anger is a cover for shame or pride concerning our own actions and this can lead us into spiritual growth as it uncovers a blind spot we had. This can then be a point of prayer for the Holy Spirit to work humility and discernment in our lives.
If there was truth but not love, this can also help us pinpoint what caused us to feel sad or angry. Was it unkindness? A self-righteous attitude? A sense of jealousy? We can look at reality and say, “This was true, but I feel this way because…” This allows us to speak with those who hurt us in a constructive way, pointing out where they were right but also where they hurt us with unkindness, a self-righteous attitude, etc.
In these ways we use our feelings as guides to help us work through situations but not lead us away from objective reality and personal responsibility. Sometimes my feelings may be legitimate—people do hurt me—but other times they may be sparked by pride or jealousy. Like any other part of our lives, our feelings must be subject to God’s Word and the renewing work of the Holy Spirit.
This article was originally featured in Beautiful Christian Life’s March 2024 monthly newsletter.
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