Finding Romance in Your Marriage
Image by Sarah Gale
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Romance. It’s one of those words that instantly floods my mind with images: red roses, clinking champagne glasses, and my husband’s hand in mine. Women have been conditioned to have a very high emotional connection to romance and all of the associations that go with it. The desire of most young girls is to be pursued and “swept off their feet.” The deep yearning to find that man that makes your heart skip a beat and gives you butterflies in your stomach. To find your “soul mate” and finally feel whole.
Unlike Disney fairytales, real-life romance doesn’t end with lovebirds riding off into the sunset.
By God’s amazing grace, I did find my soul mate. I was 25 years old, and he arrived in my life at the most unexpected time. He swept me off my feet, and I can remember feeling so incredibly thankful and blessed. We spent hours walking our favorite beach, getting to know the little intricacies about one another that made us tick.
We shared romantic dinners, took mini-trips to explore the world around us, and were completely content to just be in one another’s presence. Romance was in the air, and I was soaking it up like a sponge. Well, unlike the Disney fairytales, our story doesn’t end there. As you know, in “real life” you aren’t just left with an image of two young lovebirds riding off into the sunset to experience eternal bliss unchanged.
Sometimes it can feel like a husband and wife are the president and vice president of a company, managing the logistical operations of their family.
Fast forward twelve years and I still find myself with my Prince Charming, but things look very different than they did all those years ago. We now have three little girls, a mortgage payment, a puppy, and the myriad of responsibilities that go with them. Are there still romantic moments? Yes! And do I savor them when they appear? Of course. But also, there are days of the week and even distinct seasons of our marriage in which it has felt like we were “ships passing in the night.”
Where at one point we had the time to whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ear or hide little love notes for one another, now we find ourselves exchanging text messages about grocery lists and soccer practice schedules. It can feel like we are President and Vice President of the “Lee Household Company,” managing the logistical operations of our family, versus being loving husband and doting wife.
What does it mean if your relationship is missing the same kind of over-the-top romance you experienced early on?
So, what about that little thing called romance? Where does it go after many years in a relationship have transpired? Some would say that it becomes obsolete, no longer necessary. On the more cynical side, some argue that romance is a tactic used to secure the relationship and then abandoned once the vows have been exchanged and things become more comfortable. At the very least, most believe it can be manufactured for Valentine’s Day or an anniversary but is not a part of everyday love.
If your relationship is missing the same kind of over-the-top romance you experienced early on, does that mean love is lacking? I’d argue the answer is a resounding “no.”
Romance is an outpouring of love.
Your love evolves and matures over time. It is the natural and necessary life cycle of a relationship to grow into the next phase. If you are holding yourself and your spouse to the same standard of “romance” that you found in the early days, you may come up sorely disappointed and begin holding your marriage to unrealistic expectations.
Romance is an outpouring of love. Overwhelming infatuation and butterflies in the stomach are wonderful to experience and often accompany new love, but that is just one facet of love. Scripture defines love for us:
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…” (1 Cor. 13:4-8)
Love is often a verb!
Considering this definition of love, it is very clear that love is far from being just a mushy emotion. In fact, love is often a verb! Love does something. And phrases like “bears all things, endures all things and never ending” are much more difficult to achieve than buying flowers and expensive champagne.
The most significant lesson I have learned about love over the years is that it is rooted in service and sacrifice. Yes, I do look forward to the unexpected bouquet of flowers, the thoughtful gift or the extravagant date night. But those moments don’t make up everyday life.
I think about the moments in our marriage that move me the most, and most of them are very far from romantic.
What the years have taught me is that having someone who sees me at my very worst and still shows up every day to love me and be committed to the vows we have taken together is so much more than romantic. I think about the moments in our marriage that move me the most, and most of them are very far from romantic. They are moments that were scary or painful or even full of joy.
In the long run, the Hallmark version of romance can’t hold a candle to a genuine, unwavering, deep-rooted love. Every good attribute we display is merely a reflection of an attribute of our Father in heaven. To consider the truest definition of love, we need only look at our great God.
God is love. (1 John 4:8)
“For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son.” (John 3:16)
The image of love to which we are to look is a love that is sacrificial and holds back nothing.
God is the one who set into motion the greatest love story that ever was—to save a people who didn’t even know they needed saving. The one who held back nothing, even to the point of sending his beloved Son to die in our stead to pay a debt we never could. This is the image of love to which we are to look—a love that is sacrificial and holds back nothing—a love that gives:
He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (Rom. 8:32)
Dear friends, don’t let this world and all of the “here today, gone tomorrow” versions of love make you question the love you share with your spouse. Celebrate those romantic moments when they present themselves, and remind yourself of the truest definition of love. Continue to love and honor your spouse through service and sacrifice, and look to your Savior who is the source of a love that will never tarnish or fade.
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This article was originally published on December 5, 2019.
