3 Reasons You Have Problems in Your Relationships — And 3 Practical Things You Can Do about Them
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While there is a lot of good advice out there on relationships, the problems we have are largely due to three main factors. It’s good to know what these three factors are so we can have a better understanding on why relationships are so troubled in this world and what we can do to improve them.
3 REASONS YOU HAVE PROBLEMS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
1. You are a sinner.
Because of Adam’s disobedience in the garden of Eden (see Gen. 1-3), all people bear Adam’s guilt because Adam represented all humanity. Furthermore, Adam’s sin caused the corruption of his nature, and all his posterity, including you, would now bear that same sinful nature. Because your heart is sinful, your thoughts and actions are naturally bent inward upon yourself. Your flesh desires your own good before the good of others:
Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins. (Eccles. 7:20)
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? (Jer. 17:9)
And [Jesus] said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” (Mark 7:20-23)
For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. (Rom. 7:18)
If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. (1 John 1:8)
2. Everyone around you is a sinner.
Because every human being has the same sinful nature as you do, everyone around you is also dealing with the same inward bent, having selfish desires to serve their own needs, wants, and desires:
We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away. (Isa. 64:6)
As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.” (Rom. 3:10-12)
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Rom. 3:23)
Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned. (Rom. 5:12)
3. Loving does not come naturally in a fallen world.
Human communication is frustrated by everyone’s fallen folly. Consider the difficulty of even knowing how to love one another. For example, the command to love your neighbor as yourself leaves you as the standard (see point 1 above). Additionally, how we want to be loved and how others want to be loved are frequently at odds with each other. The preacher in Ecclesiastes expresses his frustration over the futility of seeking happiness in a world reeling from the effects of the Fall where things don’t work perfectly:
I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.
What is crooked cannot be made straight,
and what is lacking cannot be counted. (Eccles. 1:14-15)
Moreover, I saw under the sun that in the place of justice, even there was wickedness, and in the place of righteousness, even there was wickedness.I said in my heart, God will judge the righteous and the wicked, for there is a time for every matter and for every work. (Eccles. 3:16-17)
The apostle Paul writes the following about creation’s current state:
For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. (Rom. 8:20-22)
3 PRACTICAL THINGS YOU CAN DO TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
In light of your sin, other people’s sin, and the fallen world in which we all live, here are three practical things you can do to improve your relationships.
1. Take time to self-reflect.
In the midst of relationship problems, be humble, examine yourself, pray, and think of ways to grow in godly character. When we are faced with problems in our relationships, our sinful natures want to place fault with the other person while minimizing or even completely ignoring our personal responsibility for the situation.
As difficult as it is to do, we need to humbly self-reflect and consider how our own perspectives, values, expectations, personal history, and selfish desires have contributed to the present troubled relationship. We also need to take time to reflect on the perspectives, values, expectations, and personal history of the other person as well, and how those factors may have also contributed to the relationship problems. It is good to ask ourselves whether we have truly loved this person as an image-bearer of God. Humbly ask the other person for forgiveness for any wrongs you have done to him or her. Think of ways you can make improvements in the relationship and try not to dwell on the ways you want the other person to improve.
As we pray to God, we humbly acknowledge that we are in God’s story, not the other way around. In prayer we lift up our sins, worries, hurts, disappointments, and anxieties to our Creator who is all-knowing, all-present, and all-powerful. In our prayers we ask for God’s help to heal our relationships because of our love for God and our fellow image-bearers. As we pray for forgiveness and a heart to forgive others, we also recognize that we can only control so much in our relationships and God is sovereign in all things:
And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. (Luke 18:1)
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. (Rom. 12:12)
Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test! (2 Cor. 13:5)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:6-7)
For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. (James 3:16)
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (James 4:1-2)
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)
For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. (1 John 2:16)
2. Forgive the other person.
Be gracious, forgiving, patient, and kind to the other person. To forgive and love self-sacrificially is to image your Savior. Loving people who have hurt us may seem impossible to do at times, but it is always possible with God. As much as it hurts when people disappoint us, it is important to remember that all of us have disappointed people as well. We cannot possibly live up to all the expectations people have of us, and likewise we shouldn’t expect people to live up to all our expectations of them.
We need to show the same grace to people that Christ has extended to us. Out of his unfathomable love for the world, God sent his only begotten Son to die on a cross for wretched sinners (John 3:16). Just as God pours out his grace upon us, so we must have grace for those who have sinned against us:
“And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matt. 6:12)
“But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matt. 6:15)
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.” (Matt. 18:21-22)
And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And they cast lots to divide his garments. (Luke 23:24)
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.” (John 15:12-14)
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Rom. 5:8)
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Gal. 2:20)
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Eph. 4:32)
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Phil. 2:3-4)
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Col. 3:12-13)
By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. (1 John 3:16)
In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. (1 John 4:10-11)
3. Love the other person in wisdom.
To love someone well, it helps to have a sympathetic imagination. Try placing yourself in the other person’s shoes and seeing life through their eyes. Consider the potential effects of your words and deeds on the person’s life both short and long term. Pursue the wisest course going forward to lovingly care for them and help them flourish as a precious image-bearer of God. Keeping in mind the sinfulness of all humans (including yourself) and the fallen aspect of creation will help you have realistic expectations for the relationship.
Loving people wisely may mean placing a hold on trusting them at the same level we once did. When trust is broken in a relationship, it takes time and work to build it up again; hopefully the trust will be even stronger. Sometimes, however, trust can never be rebuilt. Sometimes it will be the case that we must never again risk placing ourselves in certain situations due to even the remotest possibility of being harmed. Still, we can—and must—love and forgive those who have harmed us as Jesus commands us to do. Where grace, forgiveness, and love exist, there also exists the hope of a restored relationship:
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Prov. 15:1)
By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. (Prov. 24:3-4)
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. (Rom. 12:9-10)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Cor. 13:4-7)
Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. (Eph. 5:15-17)
But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. (James 3:17)
Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. (1 John 3:18)
When you get frustrated and discouraged over problems in your relationships, think about how we disappoint Jesus all the time. Remember that Christ never despairs of us but instead keeps loving and forgiving us. Christ’s free and everlasting love for us, who are unlovable, is our only power to keep loving even when the other person isn’t so loveable. When we love one another with the love of Christ, God is glorified in our relationships.
